double whammy

Double whammy hit me today. Don’t know which is worse.

The first? Hits in the gut, where the damage is felt long after the pain of the actual punch. The kind that makes you feel that it didn’t hurt you, only to realize a while later that you can no longer go the distance you used to sprint to. That’s what happens when you lose a case you shouldn’t have. Much more when it’s personal and not a client’s.

Of course there’s solace in the fact that there’s really not much an honest man can do against a malicious fabrication. But it will be of record that the fabrications of my former employer (which arbiters should see through easy) have led to a decision which actually advises me to be gentler and more respectful of my “underlings” as I am a lawyer who must bear himself with utmost professionalism. In the case, you see, they’ve asked my former co-employees to harp on little things and blow them up to make it big. It would seem now that these co-employees of mine who I have always respected, eaten lunch with, joked around with and have shared our concerns, friends who I actually thought I had a great rapport with, now have attested that I was mayabang and abrasive to one fellow who used to pilfer a buck or two from office funds and therefore must have been mayabang to all leaving the conclusion that I must have been a bad bad man. Its no comfort that some have actually apologized, believing that they did not have too much choice. Life is hard and jobs are scarce. Besides if they can treat a lawyer like shit, how much more shit can the staff withstand?

The irony is that for all the faults I may have had (none of which were actually pointed out in the case, mind you) it was the boss who was an idiot slave driver and the other one without spine and both refused to pay the proper taxes and social security as well as engaged in soooooo many acts no lawyer should even entertain but actually do. To me, to their staff, and to society in general. So if it’s a point of being unprofessional, I guess I was the one who didn’t do what lawyers do. So I must have deserved the boot.

But what can I do? I find comfort in the fact that I did not succumb to the temptation to buy my victory as there was in fact an opportunity. And I have worked long enough in the firm to hear it being openly discussed how buying was not beyond the pale of proper conduct. So I leave my own dreams to take on what could have led to this decision. But to see and feel and absorb this kind of run of the mill injustice hurts me not today. Rather it will sear my soul sometime in the future when I find the courage to fight my battles in court again. Because I will not buy my client’s well-being, nor will I pay for his honor. Suffice it to say that I will not have client’s for long and I would have found myself al long way into becoming a quixotic icon of the law for insisting on maintaining my soul.

I will not compromise. My friends say I should. Sad.

To my mind that leaves me one real choice. To get out of here. To find a fresh start. To seek my place among the honest-for-the-most-part where I can actually relieve the misery that lawyering has very often fed on. So I tried.

That’s where I got the second whammy…